It's not about willpower



Do you set goals for yourself and not achieve them? I’ve been there, a bunch. We start out really strong and then we taper off, or one day, we just stop completely. Think about dating as an example. You have a renewed outlook on dating, your heart has been broken before, but you’re ready to go back out there. You’re on a mission to go on at least 1 date/week.

So you go online, talk to a few people who seem cool, you go on dates, have one or two good ones, and then, crickets - you don’t hear back from the good ones and tell the others, thank you, but not a fit. You feel defeated - all the effort, no gain. You may even feel like you’ve taken a step back! So you stop. You say you don’t have the willpower to go out there again. But is it lack of willpower? Maybe, but that belief ain’t going to help you find your person!! What is it then?

Your beliefs. About yourself. Your capabilities, your worthiness, your belief in your ability to find or attract the love you badly want. You go from super optimistic and hopeful to feeling like the scum of the earth (ok, maybe that’s exaggerating a little bit, but I’ve been there).

So how do we “hack” our belief systems? Lots of ways. But it definitely takes work!

Step 1: Awareness - can you hear what’s happening in your mind and see how your actions are not aligning with what you want? Neflix and chill every night maybe feels super relaxing, and momentarily gratifying, but it’s not helping you find your Stranger Things partner!

Step 2: Change your beliefs. This is the part that really takes practice and work, and different things work for different people. For instance, rejection is typically the trigger for dating that causes us to go down a spiral of negative thinking about ourselves. So, let’s get real about how you react to rejection!

  • Can you reframe it (i.e. every “no” leads me one step closer to “yes?”

  • Can you heal an old wound? It’s likely that most of us felt some sort of rejection as children. While potentially painful, going back to some of those memories, reliving them, and really feeling the emotion of it, can help free ourselves from being brought down by rejection as adults.

  • Can you disprove the story you tell yourself in your mind? “Men don’t like career driven women.” Go out and find 5 successful women who are in fantastically loving relationships. You won’t find them at first, but THEY EXIST! Inspiration will help you believe in yourself and disprove that story you tell yourself.

  • Can you talk to that mean voice and say lovingly, “I hear you mean girl/boy, I see why you’re telling me to watch Netflix every night, but I’m going to try something new, and it’s all going to be ok!”

Step 3: REPEAT! See what works for you, and keep doing it. I’ve had success with each of these methods, depending on the goal. But keep focused on knowing you must believe, and be able to feel, the feeling associated with the thing you really want, in order to make it happen. If you end up drowning in the negative thought patterns/stories, you end up stopping, or going on a lot of really bad dates.

I believe in you and your dreams, now you’ve just got to!

Reach out if you keep getting stuck - I’m here to help! <3

Liz Traines2 Comments